It doesn't take a genius...

I have food allergies. And not the kind that make you itch — no, these are the kind that make your throat close in a matter of minutes. So in case we meet and go to lunch, you should know it's all nuts and all seafood. So before you ask, yes even peanuts, walnuts, pine nuts, catfish, lobster, and what ever else kind of crazy fish or nut you can think of.

So I go to the bagel shop (I'll let you guess which one — see title for clues.) and order an asiago cheese bagel with veggie cream cheese, spread lightly. As Counter Guy takes my money, another guy hands me my bagel, which I bite into while I was waiting for Counter Guy to calculate of my change.

Instantly my mouth starts stinging — you know that sensation when you take a drink of OJ that's gone past its prime? Yeah, stinging like that. And I immediately start to spit my food into my hand. No napkin just straight into my hand. And the Counter Guy says, "Here's your change." In case Counter Guy is reading this blog, here's a context clue for you, kid: When patrons are spitting their food into their hands in a violent way that precludes them from being able to take the change they are owed, something's wrong.

So then to maintain my own decency, I rush to the coffee counter to get a napkin. I return to the cash register and say, "I am allergic to nuts and someone just put Maple Walnut spread on my bagel." To which Counter Guy replies, "Uh, OK I'm not sure why he did that, I'll ask him to make you another one." And then Counter Guy takes the next person's order as if this is just another one of those panicky-food-allergy-patrons.

"You don't understand, I don't want another bagel, I want my money back and I need to go straight to my Doctor, so I want to see the manager," I shout. "Uh, OK well let me get the manager," says Counter Guy as he makes change for the customer behind me, who he has been half-way attentive to since this whole scene started. And as he shoots me the teen-angst-whatever(!) look, I loose it.

"What do I need to do to make you see the seriousness of this F*-ing mistake?!?!" I shout loudly. (Ok I yelled.)

Well, the manager comes over to see what's going on, proving that if you drop the F-bomb you will get immediate attention. (Too bad it takes the heavy artillery to get service, but I digress.) So the manager listens to my story which at this point is very rushed, "Your employee messed up my order and gave me Maple Walnut spread insted of veggie cream cheeese. I can't stay and talk, my throat closes and I'm already getting hives inside my throat, so now I need to go to my Doctor (located in the office park behind the bagel shop). Give me your name and number and we'll discuss this later." To which she says, "I understand your problem. I'll ask the employee why the mistake was made and I hope you'll give us another chance and come back to visit us again so I can buy you a bagel."

What management school did this woman attend? How, under all of these circumstances, do you shamelessly promote you bagel shop in an effort to aplogize for your mistake? Please, it really doesn't take a genius.

(Does it?)